The older I get the more I’m convinced I need to put away the past or perish. Yesterday has no more power over today than my lost youth. Nor does the hour that just passed, even if it was hellish. I tend to want to explain todays by yesterdays, but that is just a fool’s pursuit.

Time will never turn back.  Now is all we have. All the great sages through time have known and shared this. I read their wise quotes confirming all experiences bring us to who and where we are. A lively force in the body of humanity. A force within ourselves.

Unfortunately, I still like to play Sylvia Plath.  I did this weekend and I felt a fragility and uncertainty I have never felt before. Ms. Plath believed she would always come back. She loved that new beginning, coming back from the dead.  I never think about that exactly, the coming back part, I just like the exiting part.  But, like Ms. Plath, I push my limits. I don’t believe she intended to quench the fire that burned within her, she just didn’t know how else to see it with new eyes and contain it. I am scrambling now to learn. With all due respect, Ms. Plath exited too soon. I must not make the same mistake.

I had the privilege of driving one of my sons up north after the holidays for his first semester of college. He had already found a place to live up there, but had enjoyed being “home” for  almost two weeks.We left at night and drove the four hours enjoying each other’s company. It’s not often I have one-on-one time with my children.  My son saved our lives a couple of times in the last stretch.

I had a long day before our drive, and by midnight I was spent.  We finally arrived at his apartment safely after my final hour of drowsy driving. Having had his license suspended after too many accidents, my son took his job in the passenger’s seat seriously. He kept me from falling asleep behind the wheel several times. We arrived safely around 2am and then we both gratefully collapsed on his bed. I spent a cold and restless night thinking too much.

We both had a past to overcome. He wanted to start over as much as I did. Even in his sleep, I marveled how when his body got close to mine, he abruptly moved away.  I guess cuddling up to your mom at nineteen is contrary to a young man’s burgeoning identity even at the sub-conscious level. We all must let go…

I have four “adult” kids. Almost five. By my fiftieth birthday in April,  I will have more adult children than minors.  The last two “adult” children were so different from the first three.  Possessing huge personalities, the first three weathered adolescence with many worshippers (and a few enemies), but the next two never played the social game very well. I empathized perfectly, yet I could not help.

My adolescence was spent miserably maladjusted. It led me into a young adulthood with no idea how to live my own life well. Letting go of the past is part of growing up. I pretended my past didn’t exist. People can laugh at the word “denial,” but it is nothing to take lightly.  Denial is not growth. Eventually we become someone we were not made to be.

Letting go of my growing children has not been hard to do because they are so solid. People love them. They also have always made one thing perfectly clear.  They love their momma. Instead of my children growing up to be like me, I am finally growing up in hopes to be like them.

I will look at this new year as a new beginning.  I always liked the idea of New Years parties, though I have not been to one in almost thirty years.  It feels so hopeful as friends, family and strangers gather for the countdown. Another chance to do things right.  Right?

Mornings are a chance to start over too.  I like mornings because whatever happened yesterday can’t stop the new day from bringing light and opportunity. Mornings are like a New Year every day.  Unless I stop and ponder why yesterday went so bad… If yesterday is given any power at all, it will use it to take the NOW out of today.

I know woes, my own and of friends and family, and it is those who honor their woes that live mostly in them. We can give more power to the past than to the dawning of a new day.  Sometimes we just have to say, “Enough!”

If we start off with the wrong mindset, or the day takes a thorny detour, do ANYTHING to end the day out front.  Even if it is nothing more than talking yourself out of self-sabotage. Write down your troubled thoughts and set them on fire. Do something that gives your heart a jump-start. Just give it your best. It can really make a difference.

That adage, “Misery loves company,” does not have to apply to others drawing us in, but can be applied to how we perceive our life in view of our past. It’s important to remember the past could be as close as your last breath.  If the past doesn’t have rule over us, if we truly let it go, we can move forward as if we have all the opportunity and reason to believe our lives are divinely set to excel in who we are.

That argument, to accept and put away the past, can leave some troubled because nothing then can be blamed for offenses felt, and there is no excuse to give for unhappiness. Deny yourself happiness and empowerment because the past deserves so much focus and needs to keep us down. It makes so much sense if your goal in life is to be miserable.

At the end of February, this blog will be one year old.  I would say I just survived one of the worst years of my life. However, this unknown blog is proof that it also has been one of my best.  Maybe someday it will all make sense.

So, CHEERS to the new year and may we put the past behind us and exceed everyone’s expectations.